Is anyone else tiring of hearing about war in the Middle East? Look: I’m a pretty tolerant and patient guy, but I’ve had about enough of the news talking about the latest problems in that godforsaken (ironically) region. But because I like to be a part of the solution and not of the problem, I figure I should solve it. Let’s first identify the root of the cause for most of the trouble over there and then figure out how to solve it. That’s right: In a few short paragraphs I will discover how to achieve long lasting piece in the Middle East.

First: the problem. First, the Muslims hate the Jews. There are few better known facts than this one. Why do they hate them? Well there are problem a variety of reasons. One might have to do with religious beliefs; another likely has to do with cultural differences; and the final, and probably most important, is the Gaza strip. Due to the fact that a vast number of cultures throughout the world differ in religions and cultural differences, yet manage not to go to war with each other every couple years, I have to believe that the final issue is the most important to both parties involved – Gaza.

What is so special about this stupid piece of land? I mean, seriously. I have never been there, but I suspect it’s just a useless dessert wasteland anyway. And even if it is fertile, so what? Unless its streets are paved with gold and manna falls from heaven every day at meal time, then I cannot imagine what the big stink is over a stupid little piece of land. But perhaps I would if I were on either side, and that’s fine.

But something has to be done to resolve this issue. Both peoples want this stupid piece of land. If one has it, the other is annoyed, and vice-versa. The solution? Neither gets it. Here’s what you do: The United States pays each country thinking they have a right to this land twice its market value. Then we take that land and use it for an international nuclear waste dump, making it permanently uninhabitable. That way, they will not only have been overcompensated for this land, but they will no longer want it, because their children will have seven toes, three eyes, and seventeen bellybuttons if they try to live there. Problem solved.

Of course, the other problem is the oil. They have oil, which is the only reason that the U.S. has any interest in this region. Let’s face it: If these were just a bunch of tribes slaughtering each other, like in Africa, we wouldn’t care. After all, we don’t care when it happens there! We care about the Middle East because it just happens to be the center of the oil universe, and we are a society that is heavily dependent on oil. This solution we all know – we need to quash our dependence on oil. We need a 5-year plan to completely rid ourselves of oil. Sounds difficult, does it? It will be. But imagine how satisfying it would be to be able to look at what goes on in the Middle East and smile instead of worrying, because we know it doesn’t matter to us in the least. Imagine never having to send young U.S. soldiers into harm’s way to insure stability in the region. The pure satisfaction of no longer caring about the Middle East is surely worth any price necessary in order to rid ourselves of the dependence. Do whatever it takes.

There you have it. With what I call “Dan’s Plan”, we have peace in the Middle East, and even if we don’t, we wouldn’t care anymore anyway. Tell Jimmy Carter to beat that! I’ll see you in Stockholm.

Due to copyright issues, I will provide a link to this article at Askmen.com, rather than post it here. So check it out:

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